Pyrkardia: Heart Aflame

Equanimity, or upekkhā, was taught by the Buddha as one of the 4 brahmavihārās - the 4 “divine abidings” or sublime mindstates that we can work to cultivate in meditation, the others being compassion (karunā), loving-kindness (mettā), and sympathetic joy (muditā).

Equanimity is of particular interest in mental health and addiction recovery for a number of reasons. The Buddha taught that with deep practice, we can become an island. Storms may absolutely rock us, sunshine may peacefully grace us - but whatever comes, we remain connected with a deep, inner sense that we’re okay. We’re solid. We’re still here. Just as an island doesn’t hide from a storm or a beautiful day, we are able to be with (and move through) deep sorrow and blissful joy.

Practicing with our emotions in this way, with a sense of curiosity and a deep, inner knowledge that we can withstand whatever arises, allows us to see the wisdom and the heart in things. We can see that every emotion arises for a reason - they’re messages from our deeper Selves, calling us back to the Truth, to a deeper sense of who we are, to our own authenticity.

I found equanimity to be totally inaccessible in the grips of depression, PTSD, active addiction and early recovery. When sorrow arose, I couldn’t handle it and I became obsessed with escape. When joy arose, I couldn’t enjoy it and I became obsessed with wanting more, laboring under the delusion that if only I had enough, maybe then I’d finally feel some ever-elusive sense of fulfillment or wholeness. My first time trying heroin was the first time in my life that I ever felt okay. But of course, it was fleeting, shallow, and woven through with a thread of ineffable shame.

Many of those who have worked with me know that “equanimity” is my favorite word in the English language. It allows me to speak to something that can’t be intellectualized, something known only to those of us who have worked to experience it - the deep, pervasive relief of knowing in my heart that I am okay. That whatever life throws at me will only make me stronger - because I can practice with it, observe it, learn from it. So, bring it on.